Dear Diary,

How in the world are you supposed to hear somebody that is so superior to you and lives in Heaven? How are you supposed to know that it's God talking to you and you're not just thinking things. Lately, I've been a tad confused.. Like where do I stand spiritually with God? I guess they're doubts and doubts are sins.. I'm not perfect, I'm nowhere near perfect. But I'd like to think I'm not the worst out there. I guess it is true that you compare yourself with the people lesser than you, to make yourself seem better. Like I didn't kill anybody, but there are people who are murderers, so I must be better than them.. That kindof thing. Well I guess I've come to realize that I'm not better than them, I'm probably worse. Because I have a problem and I don't really know how to fix it. Actually, I don't even know what my problem is. How can you help yourself if you don't know what's wrong with yourself? It's like finding a cure for an unknown disease. It's not possible.

I'm so fcking lazy, no joke. I hate reading the stoopid chapters in To Kill A Mockingbird and then answering the questions to them. So then I ask KMAK for the answers. But then he doesn't give them to me because he knows I'm lazy and he wants to help me. But then I get mad at him because I don't wanna fcking do the dumb crap! And that goes for my devotions too. Like I don't even spend anytime with God or to do my devotions. I don't like doing my devotions because I'm fcking lazy! I'd rather be on facebook or talk to my friends on AIM then spend time with my Saviour. Like how foolish am I? Except I know this and I still do it, I still put Him away. I still turn my head the other way and pretend I didn't see God waiting for me, right there.

I don't do things with my heart open. I don't pray with my heart open, I pray the same things ever night. 'Dear Lord, thank you for this wonderful day' Then I doze off and then I say amen and sleep. I haven't been at church for the past month. I don't even go to church for God! I go to see all my friends, I usually just text with Jasmine during the sermon. I'm the worst, most luke-warm Christian there is out there. I'm not on fire for anything, I'm not motivated to do anything. Where did my heart go? Where did my motivation go? What do I live for anymore? I don't know who I am, I don't know where I've went.

Dear Celina,
Please come back. Bring my heart and emotions back with you too from wherever you've gone. Wake up Celina, come to your senses. That everything you're doing right now, is WRONG. You're living for nothing, you're working for nothing. So when you wake up, please realize that all you need is God. All your hard work and emotions and everything is to glorify His name and not yours. Make Him famous and not you. Don't think about your name being known to the world or being successful but hope that one day the whole world will have come to known Jesus Christ. Please come back soon, it's hard being so robotic everyday. Hurry up and wake up.
Sincerely, Celina