Crazy-ness

I am seriously so deeply lost in Your profound mysteries. Like I can't even put into words about how I feel right now! After today, my week is done and I'm so happy. Like the Lord has just blessed me so much today it's insane. So this whole week I was exhausted.. I was loaded with homework, projects, tests and insanity! I was on the verge of an exhaustion meltdown. Though many times I didn't find peace in the Lord and tried to take matters into my own hands, and failed miserably. But anywayssss, so this week has just been utterly tiring and stressful and I think God's showing me that this year, I'm going to need to rely on Him more than ever. Well not JUST this year, but like this year is going to be the year where He teaches me about patience and remaining in Him to see greater outcomes so that I may use it in my future years of highschool or college. My thoughts are so jumbled I can't even put it into a paragraph that makes sense so I'm seriously just typing what I feel. So last night I was so tired I had to finish my french project, study for english, finish all my homework and study for euro and by the time I got to studying for euro I was about to knock out so I only studied a couple of pages. And today, going into the essay, I was feeling so crummy. I was just so out of it because I really thought I was going to fail so I was just like a don't-care feeling and my prompt was on the section I studied for and that was just so unreal for me. I was like ecstatic in my mind, jumping for joy. God heard my prayers and because I went to Him to guide me along the way, He took care of me. After that, my day just escalated. I got a 32/40 on my english test but I really don't care. That's a B- and I'm fine with that, for the first time of my life. I'm becoming really complacent and nonchalant lately so I just pray that God will take my complacency away and make me more voracious to be a good student, but only for the right reasons. So I really hope to turn my goals away from getting straight A's but to try to be my best and to really educate myself so that I may use it in the future to glorify His name. :)

Today at church, my youth group is doing this six week series about Love and today was Forgiveness! So we got into these smaller, sub groups and in the previous weeks I was really like ughhhhhhhhh-ish with my groups and this week I was too because I didn't get who I wanted but like for some reason I just felt God take away all that anger and I had so much fun. Though I knew if I would have been with the person I wanted, I would have fooled around and not learned anything. So God works in mysterious ways :) So while learning about forgiveness, I realized that I've been holding onto this grudge for so long.. and it's really time I let go and though I also realized that me letting go isn't just going to happen overtime. So I'm relying on God again to help me through this because I think that's what's hindering us to become friends, or for me to let you in. So I don't really know what I'm doing with you right now, but I'm just playing around with it. Because so far, we've gotten nowhere, though today was better! We talked for a good 5 minutes. That's more than the past 3 months combined..

We got our mentor groups today. I never gave you a chance, and I was too quick to judge. Though there ARE reasons why you sometimes annoy me but you have a really good heart. You care about everybody and really just want to be a good and loving sister. I know that it's wrong on my part to judge you like that but I mean the things you did just triggered a bad vibe from the very beginning and I never got over it. So this year, hopefully we will start a new chapter in our friendship and that I'll really take the chance to actually get to know you. I'm hesitant on what I'm going to share because mentor/mentee groups are usually very open but I don't think I can be open with you, because it takes a very long time for me to let someone in and you're just not one of those people that I want to let in.. but I'm hoping for a change of heart. Not only with you, but with everybody, because I have a bad habit of judging people. Anyways, I just ask God for patience. So that I may be patient with her and if she gets too much that I will just bear with her because she is my sister in Christ and I love her dearly. And who knows, maybe we'll end up "besterest friends" ;)