quatrevingtdixneuf

99! Oh dang, 99. That's where I am right now. Almost to 100, but not quite there. Soooo close but not there yet. Just one more, one push, one oomph, one little boost to get me to 100. My life is basically all books, no play. I'm being trapped by people I don't want to become. Everybody that surrounds me is so focused into their studies. They spend all their time making sure they get straight A's. I know school is almost everything to me, making my parents happy. Getting that 'good job' from them & their satisfaction. But school isn't my everything, God is my everything. Jesus Christ, getting to know my Father in Heaven better is my everything. So why do I focus more on something that means so little compared to something so grand? That's one question that troubles me more often than others.

I tell myself everyday, every morning. I'm not going to become like these people. I know what sets myself apart from them, and that is I don't spend every waking moment with my nose in a book. Every single morning, I tell myself that... And what happens? I put everything I have into my studies. Into making sure I get an A on the next test or making sure I don't just get an A but an A+ on the project due Friday. Forgetting to even go to practice because of practice. Wondering about proofs before I sleep instead of thinking about my family and praying for them. Why do I focus on such minute things in life? Yes, good grades will satisfy my parents. They'll get me into a good college. Then the good college will get me a good job. So is this a never ending circle? Day by day from now on, I'll be living like this. Putting everything I have to satisfy everybody but the One person that really counts? My Saviour. I mean I'm sure He'll be happy for me that I get good grades and I have a good job that I like to do. But how will this help me to help Him? It doesn't. And I try to break this habit because I know the sooner, the better. But I emphasize all my energy and time into some stoopid letters that will be mailed to my house in six weeks.

I had my choir show a couple nights ago. And it just got me wondering. How many cliques we have in school. I walk into the room and being stereotypical right now I see.. the nerds in one corner, the anime obsessed in another, the drama queens in one group, the Filipinos, the Upper classmen that don't associate with lower classmen. Then there is everybody else. I sat alone in that room for two hours. By myself, just doing my homework. I don't think I've ever done that before. Sat alone somewhere, especially when I'm surrounded by people I know. I could have easily sat with Jess or Charlene or even Nathalie! But I chose to just sit by myself , and watch.. And I've come to realize how amazing it is to be caught up in your own group. How you never recognize people out of your group when you're with them. I don't know if it's just me, but it hit me when I was eating lunch on Monday and I noticed that I don't even know half the people that sit with me at lunch. I know their names and I think that's all.. How is it that I can eat lunch with them and call them my 'friends' when I hardly know anything about them.. That's like going up to a stranger and asking what their name is and now suddenly they're your friend. And another thing, why is it that 'groups' can't accept new people to sit with them. It was incredibly rude of my 'friends' to say no to Amy when she wanted to sit with us. I'm just mesmerized with why I never saw any of this before...

Me being the naive one in the world, always looking for the best in people and choosing not to believe in the rest. Well I'm sorry I choose to be optimistic. KMAK asked me how come I'm always so happy. When He & I are going through the same thing. And he's always moody about it and I'm just happy-go, smiling. He asked me how I do it. And I told him because I have Jesus Christ in my life. I truly, honestly, 100% believe that's why I'm always so happy. Even when things are going wrong and I'm having the horrible-est, worst day in the world. KMAK, open your eyes and see through mine. The world's the worst place in the world, it's cruel, it doesn't wait for anybody, it's tough, and it sucks. But you're gonna have to live here, so you might as well make it beautiful...