P.S. I Love You

So, I always get hurts when I have to face my fears. So now I'm scared to. When I was seven, I had to jump off the monkey bars.. but I didn't want to cause I'm afraid of heights but I did anyways and then I fractured my wrist-__- So now I'm scared to face my fears not because I'm scared of my fears, but because I get hurt. Although I think I should let you know how I feel.. What do I do? Even if I do tell you, what difference will it make. Probably make you more distant.. these past few weeks have been AMAZING. We've gotten so much closer, and I really love it. I spent 13 hours with you yesterday, I mean I would have never imagined that would ever be possible! Though at TIMES it was awkward, only because I made it awkward.. It's gotten so much better & I thank God for that. You asked me before if I still liked you, and you told me to be honest. Yet, I still lied. The honest answer would have been: "Yes, I am still head over heels in love with you." but I merely replied with a: "Mm, we're friends & that's good but I'm not completely over you." WHICH, is not a COMPLETE lie! We are friends! & I'm not completely over you, heck, I'm not even close. I really wish I was though. So I would'nt have to wake up thinking about you. Then yesterday, I got to thinking.. That why can I love you so much? And always think about you and wishing you would love me back. When I love God even more, yet I don't think about Him half as much. And I don't have to wish He would love me back, because He does. More than you could ever love me. So why wouldn't I want His infinite love? Ughhhhhhhhhhh, I really do wish I could just tell you: "_______, I love you." Buuuuuuut, I won't/can't. I wonder if this closeness will wear off once Sadies is over. I mean, we did only spend those 13 hours together because of Sadies. I wouldn't just ask you to come over and go to the mall if I didn't have a reason. I think I'm scared of talking to you or asking you to hangout because I think you'll get an idea that I still like you. Even though I do, and you probably know I do, but I'm still scared. Like I'm scared if I ask you to go out, you'll be like.. Does she like me? Should I go out with her? Or something like thattt. Yes, I know I am paranoid:( & probably over analyzing everything, but that's just me. I had the weirdest dream yesterday.. that I was modeling and then you were there and then we met up and then I was really tired so I kindof leaned on you and then you kissed my head. This whole day, I haven't stopped thinking about that or wishing that it was real and not just my dreams. For some reason, I got my hopes up that you kindof still liked me.. But half of me doesn't wantt to have my hopes up, because then I'll only be let down. So if I didn't have any hopes, then they couldn't be crushed. Then the other half thinks that if I have hope, maybe, just maybe they'll come true..




P.S. I love you.