ÉTERNELLE ÉCLAIRER

I can't even explain how devastated I am.. I honestly thought I was at least going to pass. Thinking about it brings me to tears. My first big exam and I screwed up.. Everybody says it's okay because I was in the hospital for the most vital three weeks of the year, but no. I'm not going to let that be my excuse for everything that's gone wrong.. I'm not going to pity myself. I had two extra weeks, I could have studied. I could have passed. Just because I was in the hospital and had lung surgery does NOT make me weak. I don't want to give anybody the impression that I slack off and get it easy because I've been through the things I've been through. I don't want anybody's pity. I don't want anybody to be disingenuous to me. I want the harsh and cacophonous truth, no matter how heartbreaking it may be. I want people to be real with me. I don't want people to think, "Oh, she has lung problems.. I'll go easy on her.." No. I want to be treated like everybody else. Sigh, I digress.. I have absolutely nothing to say that I am so disappointed in myself.. I can't believe that even the people who didn't study at all got better scores than I did. I feel like not only did I let myself down.. I let everybody who believed in me down. Everybody who said they knew I was going to do fine.. Everybody who thinks I'm actually smart, when I'm not. All my friends are smart.. and I guess since they're my friends and I hangout with them, people automatically assume that I'm smart as well, but in reality, I'm not. All my friends got 4's. I mean, I'm happy for them and I'm so proud, sincerely, I'm truly proud of each and every one of them because I know how hard they worked for it. Well, how hard some worked for it. I hate to be the one who everybody just says "Oh, it's okay. You'll do better next time" to. It makes it ten times worse when everybody's like "oh, I'm sure you got a 4! Don't even worrry girl" Yeah.. I wish I did. I'm not as smart as people think. I find myself pretty damn stoopid too if you were to ask me.